Seat Hogs

Looks like the clock struck midnight before this subway princess made it home.

Christopher S. Writes – “Hogs are hogs but the MTA made a bad decision installing those little jump seats at the ends of subway cars, the ones that make a fuckload of noise when they spring up. And man do those ass-whackers spring up fast. They’re not quiiiiiiiite double-sized – maybe a mother and child, or two pretty good, pretty thin friends – so they encourage hoggery. But it can be done. I see somebody sitting in one and someone else doing the sideways “I’m not really with this freak” move all the time. But when Sleeping Boozy is aboard, make way for her tiny kingdom of weird shit in the land of ill-advised jump seats.

Because I’m an asshole, when I saw her in my periphery I immediately assumed she was homeless. And maybe she is and I’m an even bigger asshole because when I really focused on her I thought, “It sort of looks like she got Nicole Kidman’s old face, maybe three faces ago, and while she hasn’t treated it very well, she doesn’t look homeless.” That is pretty dickish – she can’t be homeless because she’s not ugly and doesn’t reek? But whatever, the point is SHE WAS TAKING UP TOO FUCKING MUCH ROOM IN A CROWDED TRAIN.

I applaud her use of the bustass suitcase from 1991 as a safety device so people don’t enter or exit the car too quickly. But then there’s that…thing, that fabric thing. Sort of a classy tarp. It was big enough to be a patio umbrella – what you can see there was actually folded over twice, and it went up really high. So, yoga mat for six, maybe? Had she packed a picnic lunch in her American Tourister and made her polka-dot bolt of stuff into a festive, retro blanket? I’m not ashamed to say I have no clue what that stupid item is – but I do know she wasn’t really asleep, just slumped over for roominess. She kept fluttering her lids and opening her eyes between stations, then pretending to be in a coma at the stops.

Of course, she’s probably some very sweet woman who lost her job in January ‘09 and her boyfriend had just kicked her out a half hour before and she was so stunned and depressed that she left most of her stuff and I’m a tool because those seats don’t really fit two anyway. But come on. What a hog.”

AnimalMan Writes – “Nice breakdown, I voted this one a 5″
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